Future

So I have been very busy with school lately. Apart from the colossal amount of schoolwork and projects, I went crazy and signed up for 3 extra-curriculars, not counting Drama. Lets just say it’s all very hectic for me right now.

So anyways, today in art, me and my friend Kathy were talking about our future. About what we wanted to do. Who we wanted to be. Where we wanted to go. It was all good fun, planning out the rest of our lives at the back of our sunlit art room, where we have this huge table all to ourselves. I was talking to her about a Drama school that I wanted to attend and what I was taking for my A-Levels. And she was talking to me about her animation course and the university she was going to next year. 

We're both 15. And we are so sure about what we want to do. But at the same time, we aren't. And that is what confuses me so much. There are too many things that we don't know about ourselves, too many things that are left undecided. And yet, we are all still expected to step out of our nests and grow up. Its all just happening too fast for me. 

Because, secretly, I don't want to go to University or New York. And I don't to take my A-levels. And I don't want to take film acting and photojournalism. I just want to stay in the present, and never leave. The future is foggy and hazy. Everything is so ambiguous, so unknown. Whereas in the present, I am sitting on a table overlooking my garden. When I look out, I see the bright summer's sun, sending beams of light that flicker and bounce off the roof of my neighbour's house. There are birds chirping away cheerfully. And both my dogs are outside, resting away by the shade. Their eyes are full of sleep as they lightly doze off. 

I hope you can understand why this is so hard and confusing. Right now, I live in the Philippines. Everything is warm and wonderful, which is why it is so difficult to leave. I don't know what will happen in 5 years time. Whether I'll be in University or working as an actor or homeless. I want to know, but I'll never be able to find out unless I actually live through the next five years (which is what I see now as 'the future'). And that's the scary part. 

But at the same time, I am so so excited. 

All I know is.

I'm going to make the most out of my life. 

I'm going to be an actor.

I'm going to help people to the best of my ability.

I'm going to make a positive impact.

I'm going to accomplish amazing things. 

I'm going to be happy.

Hopefully this all makes sense. Because I don't even know anymore. 

love, 

alysha