There's someone I'm trying to be

The night's sky erupts; frosty veils of white ash glaze over the ground. There's Christmas music playing. Peppermint tea on the bedside table. You're safe in their arms carelessly dreaming of absolute future(s) . You think to yourself there cannot be a better time to fall in love when the phone rings and you answer not knowing you will be a before and after of this moment. Your mum's voice pierces through your fantasy and she's screaming screaming screaming. Someone died. Someone you love. Someone you loved. And the Christmas music is still playing. Peppermint tea still on the bedside table. You're still in their arms. But you no longer feel safe. It's going to take you years to feel safe again.

There cannot be a better time to fall in love.

We are careful creatures

Living in synthetic simulated (and oftentimes) shams

Pre rehearsed stories

Some of which can be truths

But most are far far far removed

And as you stroke your skin and skin your knees

You see them. 

You see them see you

And death and dearness dance

In a narcotically mesmeric duet 

There is no doubt

They're the first of a kind that's ever happened to you

You

For the first time, you are ecstatic. 

Ecstatic, daunted, but daring to believe

You believe in change. In them.

You want to follow every garden, every grief

With them

Downing the most intoxicating cocktail of dopamine and delusion

You don't hear the passersby murmur

'Did you catch those two strangers 

performing reduced versions of themselves to each other?'

You're too far gone

You don't flinch as they tell you

They learnt to love in wicked ways

You don't flinch as they show you

Through twisted truths

Through raw red rage 

Through scalding screams

They have a beautiful voice

Beautiful voice

You prick your skin on wooden splinters 

Protruding from blood stained holes they punctured into the walls

They dine hungrily on your demons

As your body memorises harsh words and loud rules

Is this love or taking, you don't know

When does unconditional love turn to idiocy?

The answer is you've cried too much for your love

The answer is you resent those you love unconditionally

The answer is you just wanted someone to call home

One day they take. More than they need. 

You stare blindly at the empty evidence of  'us'

And realise it is Enough. 

You turn your back and they turn to dust.

There is no end. There is no goodbye.

Finally, both yours and theirs are separate.

You've now learnt what it means to have to draw that line. 

What is a fracture? What does it mean to break?

What does it means to have anger so very arduous

 dissolve into

Tears streaming down down down down down down

It is 4:30am 

You're both drunk 

Sat in the cold by the riverside

Clumsily holding onto a bottle of processo 

Just like how you used to hold onto each other

Forever doesn't exist 

Accepting this makes it less painful

Accepting this feels like an outbreath 

Accepting this feels like release

As the sun rises you tell them you love them

One last time

And thank them for all the lessons

You've had to learn by yourself

X

Choose to send your dreams where nobody hides

Remember that you're no catastrophe

You're chaotically sensitive and unorganized and perhaps too pretentious for casual but

But you're no catastrophe

You will meet someone new

Someone better

Nicer Kinder

Gentle gentle gentle

Loving them will be easy this time. 

Checklist:

He knows who you are

He laughs just to know what he has

He knows when your sad

This Love won't make your head spin. 

aidan

He reminded me of home.

Home was warm. Home was scary. Home was peace. Home was tears. Home was little fires everywhere. Home was you'll-never-be-good-enough-but-please-kill-yourself-trying. Home was birds and gardens and sunshine and green green green. Home was cold. Home was grandma. Home was empty. Home was 'why did you come back things were much better without you'.  Home was paint and music and sticky days dreaming up imagined worlds. Home was laughter and birthday cakes. Home was 'I'm going to fucking kill you'. Home was pain. Home was goosebumps prickling the back of your neck and you're so fucking alone in all of this. Home was shadows moving in long passageways. Home was a dysregulated nervous system.  Home was wonder and hourglasses and all things yellow. Home was breaking curfew waiting for dad to come home so you could hug him before he left again. Home was trees and the bruised knees climbing them gifted you. Home was skin burnt with kisses from the sun. Home was fear strong enough to evoke ancient ghosts. Home was you're fucking insane lysh you're so fucking insane. Home was I can't feel a thing anymore. Home was slit wrists and suicide attempts at 10 years old. Home was sharp. Home was hope. Home was a love so loud it deafened. Home was butterflies and rambutans and earthworms. Home was a perpetual summer. Home was magic. Home was running away. Home was choosing to stay. Home was dysfunction. Home was the comfort. Home was hurt. Home was healing. Home was fear. Home was friendship. Home was fear. Home was fondness. Home was fear. 

He reminded me of home. 

Dear Dad

 Dear Dad,

My therapist said writing this to you would help me. 

So here goes -

Hi.

Alysha here. 

I love you so much. I want to tell you, but I know if I do with my words that would make you very uncomfortable. So I do my best to show you. 

With my multiple degrees. All firsts. That was very easy.

Top of my class. Very easy. 

I'm so good with my money. I pretty much save everything I earn - just like you. 

I rarely spend my money on clothes or shoes or bags (even though - like pretty much any other KL girl - I'd die for vintage chanel). You say it's frivolous. And I agree. I don't need things. Though I seem to find myself spending hours browsing through dolce and mcqueen's catalogues. Just looking though. I'd never actually buy anything, though I can afford it 3 times over. 

I tried to tell you I loved you when I was 15 and chose business studies as one of my options. I thought it'd be nice, that we'd finally have something to talk about. But I couldn't understand any of it and you got really annoyed at me when I asked for help. So I switched to art. I did really well in art. It was one of my favourite subjects, in the end. But I felt like I failed you.

It used to really hurt my feelings that you never would come to any of my shows. All the other parents came. Some dads used to buy their daughters flowers. But you never showed - and when you did, you'd only comment on how everyone else was good. You never said I was good. It's okay though, I knew I was good enough for the two of us. I knew I was good before I was actually good. But support would have been nice. 

I'm sorry I'm not good at things that you like. Like business, or maths. I really wish I were. I think that would have made things easier. We would've had fought less. I would've gone to sleep crying a lot less. But I love being creative. It makes me feel like myself. And the fact that it took you so long to accept that hurt. I've spent pretty much all my life feeling like I've let you and mum down by being myself. 

Being a child was difficult. Being a teenager was hard. I killed myself over and over and over again in my mind because I felt so unloved. 

X
X
X
X
X

But I also want to thank you.

For who you are right now.

For how much you support me now.

We don't need to talk about business but we can talk about yoga and spirituality and the colour green. 

I want to enjoy the time we have left with each other. 

And I really hope you can be proud of me.

 

I saw my first shooting star and it got me thinking

Stars are fusion factories held together by their own gravity. They are born by fusing hydrogen to helium, and then they keep going on and on, fusing heavier and heavier elements until they're fusing the heaviest of stuff. Eventually, they exhaust their fuel and collapse under their own weight, blowing off their outer layers, showering the galaxy with all these random elements.

Some of which are eventually used to create life.

I saw a shooting star recently. It got me thinking about love. 

How do you place that feeling when you look across a room and feel instantly drawn to someone? How do you characterise that feeling you get when you are on a date and you're showered with wave of calm but somehow also excitement? That knowing when you look into their eyes and feel like you're about to embark on an adventure, whilst simultaneously returning home. Where do you feel love?

Love feels like the colour blue. A wash of calm in the middle of my ribcage. It's awfully close to where I feel anxiety (a heavy, burnt orange hurricane in the middle of my chest). Impossible to feel one without the other, but I really hope one day that changes. 

I saw a shooting star recently. It got me thinking about love. 

The amazing thing is that every atom in our bodies came from a star that exploded. We are all stardust. Our elemental makeup - the carbon, nitrogen, oxygen, iron, and whatever the fuck else was needed for our evolution - was not created at the beginning of time. It was forged in the nuclear furnaces of stars who were kind enough to explode so now we get to be here. And eat mangoes. And drink wine. And try our best to be really really lovely to each other. (though god knows I've failed miserably at times).

Love is stardust. 

It feels like magic.

And it makes this whole world feels like magic.

There's magic inside every stone. every flower. every bird. every spider. every frog. every piece of slightly burnt pancake your overworked mum makes you. 

There's a magic in the trees. the sand. the hills. the rivers. the rocks.

It's hidden the sea, in the wind, in the laughter of your favourite people.

Love is stardust - a deep, wild magic that's as old as this universe itself.

I felt that magic most when you used to look at me and I got to look back at you, and the world felt beating and still at the same time. 

I want to thank you for showing me a love that made me so happy it made my heart burst like the stars do in the end. A love that felt like it could light up the whole universe. A love so wonderful that as I watched stardust falling from the sky, I forgot how much life used to hurt. Even if just for a second. 

I felt it when

Lorde said I’ve never felt more alone, it feels so scary getting old.

Keane said I’m getting old, I need someone to rely on.

Pixies said your head will collapse if there's nothing in it and you'll ask yourself, where is my mind?

Both my dogs are now dead. I miss them so much.

I miss my best friend who is no longer my best friend. 

i think a lot about how i didn't have a voice 

and i think a lot about how instead of shattering my silence

you grew around it, so seamlessly

i was wilting and you didn't care

what are we?

two friendly strangers living next to each other?

two heartbeats connected by nothing but the fact that we are both here. right now. we exist together. but so separately 

in a house that sometimes feels more like a dumping ground for all the things we've mindlessly collected over the past 5 years. 

the skeleton of a home 

i'm so fucking angry at you

i hate that i can't voice it and i hate how much i've cried over this and i hate that i still have so much love for you and i hate that i allow people to mistreat me and all i know to do is to offer my dilapidated heart and say please let me keep loving you anyways i really fucking hate it

i hate that you stayed friends with my rapist

I spend my 25th birthday with canceled plans. Window shades down. Hungover. Crying in my room. 

I try my best to contain what feels like a thunderstorm. In between sleep and wake, I utter a prayer to the universe. 

could you please, god, please be gentle with me. i know the world is breaking. i know people have and will face far more than i ever can fathom. i ask you, with so much privilege, to please be gentle with me anyways. 

I spent the earlier part of 2022 in Malaysia. In the Penang heat, I watched ice cream melt into the pavement. There was something hypnotic about the dissolve. How seamlessly it softened into the ground. How safe it must feel, to relax into something so harmoniously. I was jealous.

I wake to the beating sound of my heart. My chest hurts. 

Grief is hard to go through alone. It's tainted my life in a way that I experience the present like a memory. An echo of reality. I feel like I'm constantly reaching out for something I can't quite name, but I'll know it when I feel it. 

Despite it all, though, I know I can manage. 

A reminder to self:

Perish the pain. Stare into the light for as long as you can manage. Stare into long, long nights. Take in the last breath of May. Elastic. Temperamental. Fleeting, like everything else in life. Howling and still. 

Then dust off your smile. 

At the end of the day, the heart is a muscle. Pain means you're using it. 

You're alive.

 

X, 

alysha. now 25. always still learning.

  

Masters and life innit

Hi squirrels!

Here's a fun bit of trivia - some Americans pronounce squirrels "squirrls". That really shit fucks me up (in a good way). Is that what a word is meant to sound like? They also call sidewalks pavements and spell colour without the U (although apparently this was because of a marketing thing - back in the good ol' days when companies used to post ads in the newspapers they used to get charged by the letter, so marketing execs. got the U in colour to fuck off to save $$$. Or maybe just $, it was only 1 letter after all.) ((This fun fact is sponsored by my year 9 history teacher, Mr. Stock))

Anyways, recently I've been exposed to a lot more Americans. Actually, recently I've been exposed to a lot more people in general...that's right ladies, gents, non-binary ppl, & government agent monitoring me: I've started my masters! WOOOOOO.

There are many things to consider when on the topic of my masters, so for your (a.k.a future Alysha reading this because - let's face it - no one reads this blog) convenience, I've decided to make an F.A.Q!

Frequently Asked Questions

1. What is your MA in?

Producing for film and tv

2. How's it going so far?

Everyone is very smart and has incredible film && industry knowledge. Meanwhile my claim to fame was starring in my y12 Macbeth production where my only line was "Macbeth." So it's going FAB.

3. How are the people?

They are amazing and very smart and most of them older than me. Very international - most of them are American. Some of them are European. 3 of us are Asian. It's almost like a smaller scale representation of Hollywood. 

4. Do you want to be a producer?

I want to make money doing something that isn't an amazon commercial, yes.

5. So you've given up on acting?

No, I've actually just signed to a new agent! And my course is only 2 days a week so that leaves the other five days for me to do actor-y things like stroking my own ego, constantly seeking validation from my friends and foes, crying at the insecurity that permeates my very being, and furiously masturbating to the thought of myself winning an Oscar. Oh and I got new headshots. 

6....how's your mental health?

Not to be dramatic but sometimes in class I have moments of complete derealisation/ depersonalisation and I feel like nothing is real and this reality is all a dream and I'm not real either and this whole life is just happening in my head. Most times I think about my lunch and how good it's gonna taste.  

7. Are you enjoying your course?

It's very challenging and makes me feel incredibly driven. I've not yet gotten the hang of it but I've already learnt a lot!

8. Are you enjoying your life?

Honestly, this is the most I've been enjoying it in a year. 

9. Are you happy?

Yes. 

10. Isn't it kinda self obsessed / narcissistic to give yourself a fake interview/FAQ thing?

Yeah lol it's okay though I feel like future me is gonna have a LAFF reading this.

Okay jokes aside, I'm quite content with life at the moment. I've been going to industry workshops in Egham and I've learnt so much about sets!! And setting up sets!!! And when you turn on a light it's called STRIKING!!!! Also the fuzzy thing on a mic is called a dead cat. I'm not too happy about that one. I think FUZZY would have been a better name. Or FUZZBALL. Probably not fuzzball on second thoughts.

Mood check: I feel very happy when I'm working or learning. For the first time in awhile, I don't feel stagnant. I feel driven and motivated. Amazing the difference a year can make, eh? I think back to my headspace last year and I'm so much better now.

*** This post was written on Nov 15th 2019. 

:)

Why I want to have Wes Anderson's babies

I mean, if he wasn’t already dating Juman Malouf, I totally would

There are many reasons as to why I think Wes Anderson is the Jesus of modern day cinema. I reckon I can easily write a 10,000 word essay on how Wes Anderson films are so visually stunning they make me want to lie down and cry for 3 days, but I’ll probably save that for another day.

So as we know, Wes Anderson films aren’t just notorious for their bright colours *cough* The Grand Budapest Hotel *cough*, but they also encompass a quirky sense of order. Things are centered, squared, and balanced. It’s fairly safe to say that symmetry comes naturally to his style. When watching his films, one might notice that every shot resembles an illustrated page of a book. I mean, every scene is perfectly focalised and positioned with such stunning consistency, which probably can only be pulled off by an eminently dexterous superhuman or God himself/herself (I believe in equality).

So this extremely adept asshole employs the coupling of handsomely coloured scenes with an unmistakable emphasis on equilibrium, which stylistically epitomises a real life picture box in the best way possible. Anderson’s inherent love of symmetry is evident in all of his shot compositions. Elements of this can be noted in all of his early films, and this initial obsession has -cut to present- unquestionably flourished into a full-blown mania. I mean, you damn well know that this guy can’t thwart the cold embrace of bilateral prop and character arrangement. In fact, this is fairly apparent in Bottle Rocket and Rushmore, and has progressively become more and more prevalent as Anderson’s inhuman filmmaking prowess blossoms more and more each day. (Can you tell how in love with him I am?)

To illustrate my point, I found a video by filmmaker Kogonada, who put together a supercut of nearly 100 scenes from Anderson’s films, and edited in a dotted line down the middle of the screen to show how Anderson has framed everything symmetrically. You can clearly see how half the shots Anderson uses are roughly symmetrical, and the rest that aren't have a symmetrical central point. I love the balance that he incorporates in every still (i.e. if a character or piece of furniture is on the left, there's another character/piece of furniture on the right) He rarely shoots at an oblique: everything's almost entirely at a 90 or 45-degree angle, which pulls beautifully together stylistically.

And if this isn't reason enough to want to bare a middle aged Texan's child, then I really don't know what is.

-Alysha x

What I take away from all of this

Remember warm weather and that particularly long road trip to Jennie’s beach house? We were all cooped up in the back of my Chrysler watching Silence of the Lambs, making jokes to take away from the seriousness and suspense of the film. It was bright that day, sun beams flickering through the window and sunshine spilt out all around us. We were all smiles and laughs and "oh don't go down in that basement alone you stupid bitch!" and I'd hate to remember it any other way.

Or perhaps you might remember going to Rockwell’s cinema together every Friday back in year 9. I think we called it our “Friday Night Tradition” or something. 

I’ve always liked the idea behind Cinemas. A group of people sitting in a room, laughing and crying at a movie together. 

The comfort of strangers. 

And to this day, the smell of freshly buttered popcorn and overpriced coke is still my favourite. Because it reminds me of the time we had to lie about my age so that I could be allowed in to watch American Virgin, and that time Helena had to buy new shorts because she saw someone from our school (I still don’t get it). And let’s not forget that time we watched the Last Exorcism only to realise what a horrible mistake we’ve made 4 minutes into the movie.

But really, because it reminds me of all of us, together, and how we just started out as a bunch of strangers.

Thanks for giving me so much to remember. 

Flashing lights and loud music.

My friends and I recently went to a bigfish event & I'm quite impressed that I managed to actually take some decent shots of the night. *Pats self on back* The effects on the photos came out pretty cool as well, if I do say so myself. I only needed to edit them a bit.  

Contemplating on getting these developed. 

On a side note, it was such a fun night. Well, the parts I remember were fun anyway. 

-alysha.

Snow Patrol Photo Diary

In short, this is what happened. Kinda:

So, I get a message from my friend saying, "Come to the Snow Patrol concert"
And I say, "No,"
And he says, "Such a killjoy. Why not?"
And I say, "I'm broke,"
And then, the next morning, I get a message saying,

"I got you a ticket. Oh, and I'm on my way to pick you up,"

Ok, so I may have shortened the story to make it seem more dramatic...

 Back when I had red hair.

I really did have fun with both my friends. Except, I now owe one of them 5000. He said I don't have to pay him back, but, I mean, c'mon.

(hehe i love you brandt)
-alysha