Dear Dad

 Dear Dad,

My therapist said writing this to you would help me. 

So here goes -

Hi.

Alysha here. 

I love you so much. I want to tell you, but I know if I do with my words that would make you very uncomfortable. So I do my best to show you. 

With my multiple degrees. All firsts. That was very easy.

Top of my class. Very easy. 

I'm so good with my money. I pretty much save everything I earn - just like you. 

I rarely spend my money on clothes or shoes or bags (even though - like pretty much any other KL girl - I'd die for vintage chanel). You say it's frivolous. And I agree. I don't need things. Though I seem to find myself spending hours browsing through dolce and mcqueen's catalogues. Just looking though. I'd never actually buy anything, though I can afford it 3 times over. 

I tried to tell you I loved you when I was 15 and chose business studies as one of my options. I thought it'd be nice, that we'd finally have something to talk about. But I couldn't understand any of it and you got really annoyed at me when I asked for help. So I switched to art. I did really well in art. It was one of my favourite subjects, in the end. But I felt like I failed you.

It used to really hurt my feelings that you never would come to any of my shows. All the other parents came. Some dads used to buy their daughters flowers. But you never showed - and when you did, you'd only comment on how everyone else was good. You never said I was good. It's okay though, I knew I was good enough for the two of us. I knew I was good before I was actually good. But support would have been nice. 

I'm sorry I'm not good at things that you like. Like business, or maths. I really wish I were. I think that would have made things easier. We would've had fought less. I would've gone to sleep crying a lot less. But I love being creative. It makes me feel like myself. And the fact that it took you so long to accept that hurt. I've spent pretty much all my life feeling like I've let you and mum down by being myself. 

Being a child was difficult. Being a teenager was hard. I killed myself over and over and over again in my mind because I felt so unloved. 

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But I also want to thank you.

For who you are right now.

For how much you support me now.

We don't need to talk about business but we can talk about yoga and spirituality and the colour green. 

I want to enjoy the time we have left with each other. 

And I really hope you can be proud of me.