There's someone I'm trying to be

The night's sky erupts; frosty veils of white ash glaze over the ground. There's Christmas music playing. Peppermint tea on the bedside table. You're safe in their arms carelessly dreaming of absolute future(s) . You think to yourself there cannot be a better time to fall in love when the phone rings and you answer not knowing you will be a before and after of this moment. Your mum's voice pierces through your fantasy and she's screaming screaming screaming. Someone died. Someone you love. Someone you loved. And the Christmas music is still playing. Peppermint tea still on the bedside table. You're still in their arms. But you no longer feel safe. It's going to take you years to feel safe again.

There cannot be a better time to fall in love.

We are careful creatures

Living in synthetic simulated (and oftentimes) shams

Pre rehearsed stories

Some of which can be truths

But most are far far far removed

And as you stroke your skin and skin your knees

You see them. 

You see them see you

And death and dearness dance

In a narcotically mesmeric duet 

There is no doubt

They're the first of a kind that's ever happened to you

You

For the first time, you are ecstatic. 

Ecstatic, daunted, but daring to believe

You believe in change. In them.

You want to follow every garden, every grief

With them

Downing the most intoxicating cocktail of dopamine and delusion

You don't hear the passersby murmur

'Did you catch those two strangers 

performing reduced versions of themselves to each other?'

You're too far gone

You don't flinch as they tell you

They learnt to love in wicked ways

You don't flinch as they show you

Through twisted truths

Through raw red rage 

Through scalding screams

They have a beautiful voice

Beautiful voice

You prick your skin on wooden splinters 

Protruding from blood stained holes they punctured into the walls

They dine hungrily on your demons

As your body memorises harsh words and loud rules

Is this love or taking, you don't know

When does unconditional love turn to idiocy?

The answer is you've cried too much for your love

The answer is you resent those you love unconditionally

The answer is you just wanted someone to call home

One day they take. More than they need. 

You stare blindly at the empty evidence of  'us'

And realise it is Enough. 

You turn your back and they turn to dust.

There is no end. There is no goodbye.

Finally, both yours and theirs are separate.

You've now learnt what it means to have to draw that line. 

What is a fracture? What does it mean to break?

What does it means to have anger so very arduous

 dissolve into

Tears streaming down down down down down down

It is 4:30am 

You're both drunk 

Sat in the cold by the riverside

Clumsily holding onto a bottle of processo 

Just like how you used to hold onto each other

Forever doesn't exist 

Accepting this makes it less painful

Accepting this feels like an outbreath 

Accepting this feels like release

As the sun rises you tell them you love them

One last time

And thank them for all the lessons

You've had to learn by yourself

X

Choose to send your dreams where nobody hides

Remember that you're no catastrophe

You're chaotically sensitive and unorganized and perhaps too pretentious for casual but

But you're no catastrophe

You will meet someone new

Someone better

Nicer Kinder

Gentle gentle gentle

Loving them will be easy this time. 

Checklist:

He knows who you are

He laughs just to know what he has

He knows when your sad

This Love won't make your head spin.